


Your soul knew it belonged to me.

by D-P84 (Septic84)



Category: Danisnotonfire fandom amazingphil fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, HurtPhil, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Smut, YouTuber Dan Howell, YouTuber Phil Lester, hurt!phil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-01 23:24:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10203191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Septic84/pseuds/D-P84
Summary: It's obvious to strangers so why are they fighting it?  They're grown up now and should both know the ending of this story.This summary is awful.





	1. Let's be honest.

**Author's Note:**

> My first "Phan" fiction. I know, I know, how many stories about them getting together can there be, but I wanted to write it anyway. Some parts may be cliche, but I really am in love with them being in love.  
> Comments are appreciated.

Dan unknowingly glared at Phil as he smiled and touched one of the members that were in a meeting they were attending. Cindy, who happened to be stunning, was a constant face in these meetings. The touches were all innocent, only slightly bordering flirty, but it still was enough to set Dan off. He hadn't been coy about how he handled jealousy, but in Phil's case, the jealousy also caused rage. Dan was already irritated as he hated meetings were held on Fridays, especially when they ran late into the evening. The hardest part about it was Dan knew exactly what was happening but recognized it too late and now seemingly had no control over it. He swallowed hard as he felt the tension started to build in his neck. As the meeting moved along and the touches continued, Dan had to excuse himself three times to the bathroom to calm down. He made a half-hearted attempt to cover for himself, stating that he was not feeling well. Martyn has asked him if he needed to leave, but he shook his head. He knew he was being ridiculous, but he couldn't help it. “Very professional, Dan.” He thought bitterly to himself.  
“You alright, Dan?” Phil asked, concerned, after the third time Dan had walked out of the meeting. Phil knew Dan hated to make a spectacle of himself, so this seemed odd to him.  
“I'm fine Phil.” Dan whispered harshly, clearly annoyed.  
Phil cocked his eyebrow, frowned at him, but said nothing.  
The rest of the meeting Dan only said what he needed too and kept focused on anything else but that woman touching Phil. His face was hot and ears beet red; he rocked slightly in his chair and kept his balled up fists on his lap.  
Much to Dan's relief, after what felt like days, the meeting ended. Glancing out a window, Dan sighed as he saw that it was dark. Dan grabbed his coat, pulled it on, checking his phone as he waited for Phil. At least now they could relax, maybe watch an Anime of some sort, and get back to normal. Dan sighed.  
“Oh Hey Dan,” Phil said as he approached, Cindy was behind him. “ Are you going to be alright to get home by yourself? We are going to get a drink and maybe something to eat.” Phil's eyes darted nervously, Dan could tell he was subconsciously asking for permission.  
“Sure, Phil.” Dan's smile was tight and awkward. “I'll see you later.” He nodded at Cindy and walked away without another word, but he could hear Phil sigh as he walked out the door. Dan got into the taxi who proceeded to drive him home, to their home. Not only did Dan hate to be alone, he knew Phil was with Cindy. With his teeth clenched, he paid the driver, shuffled his feet as he walked up to the flat door and unlocked it. When he was in the confines of his room, he threw his bag against the wall, groaning in rage. This was absurd and Dan knew it. Phil was allowed to have other friends, female or otherwise. “Fucking hell, Dan. Get it together.” He cursed himself out as he ran his hands through his hair. He knew he had no right to act like this. His mind still egged him on, causing him to think of all the things that could happen between Phil and Cindy. Dan always thought Phil preferred men, but he still couldn't deny that Cindy was attractive. Dan started getting more and more upset picturing scenarios in his head. He had to get his mind off of this before he did something he regretted like sending a snarky text or tweeting something that he never would if he were in his right mind. After cleaning the kitchen, then the bathroom, Dan started to clean up the lounge. Surely when he was done he would be calmed down. This was not the case when Dan ran out of things to clean he started scrolling through Tumblr to distract himself. “Typical,” he said out loud, chastising himself. Soon Dan started to doze off and decided to go to bed, offering a silent prayer to the universe that Phil would be okay. He had been gone for a long time. Shaking his head, Dan laid down and fell into a restless sleep.  
After tossing and turning for what seemed like ages, he was only in a half sleep. This always seemed to happen when Phil wasn't there. Dan knew he wasn't asleep, but he wasn't really awake either. A short time later he was fully woken up by a loud thump on the door and the jingling of keys, followed by a very drunk Phil stumbling in the door. Dan sighed and got up going out into the lounge.  
“Phil? You alright?”  
Phil giggled and stumbled towards him. “Yeah.” He slurred “You have sleep hair.” He giggled again. "You are very pretty.”  
Dan blushed but said, “Yeah, I was in bed, you idiot.” He shook his head, but a small smile played on his lips. Phil attempted to wink, causing Dan to laugh “You sound so northern right now.”  
“Do I?” Phil grinned  
"Yes, you do. Okay, Phil. Let's get you into bed, shall we?” Dan's hand went to the small of Phil's back as he guided him into the bathroom, Dan ignored the small gasp that escaped Phil's lips. He also ignored how his friend leaned into his touch. At least externally.  
“Don't wanna bed.” Phil said, Dan, ignored him motioning to the door.  
“Go on, English major, I'll wait.” Dan shut the door and waited. His mind was racing as he trying to slow his breathing from the excitement. Phil opened the door when he had finished. The harsh light from the bathroom made him squint and Dan couldn't help by smile at the adorable face he made.  
“Don't laugh at me.” He said, he was self-conscientious and embarrassed.  
“Phil, I wasn't laughing at you. Trust me, I wasn't.” Dan grasped his shoulder then slid his hand down to return to the small of Phil's back as they made their way to Phil's room. Phil once again leaned into his touch and sighed deeply. Dan pulled him closer to his hip, to hold him up while flipping on the light before helping Phil sit to the edge of his bed. “I have never seen you this intoxicated, Phil.” Dan remarked, taking off Phil's shoes.  
“Yeah. Had a good time, Dan.” Phil's voice was clearly drunk, but he was lying, Dan could hear it through the alcohol-saturated slur. Phil was struggling to take off his jacket, he looked like a kid was trapped within a collar and sleeves. Dan stood up, crossed his arms, watching amused, as a yawn escaped his lips.  
“You could at least help you asshole.” Phil said, and it caused Dan to laugh out loud. He walked towards the bed, shaking his head.  
“Such dirty language.” Dan put his hand on Phil's shoulder, effectively stilling him. He leaned in, he could smell sweet liquor on his friend's breath, and hear Phil's heart racing. Dan wasn't sure if it was due to the struggle of trying to get his jacket off, or if Phil was nervous. Dan pulled one arm, then the other, gently out of the jacket, throwing it on his dresser.  
“Water?” Phil asked, almost whining. Dan didn't answer he just got it and brought it back to him, Phil was already laying in his bed, his eyes closed.  
“Here, Phil, you needy little shit.” Dan handed him the water. He looked at Phil, thoughts of cuddling and being held crossing his thought path. Dan shook his head. “You'll be alright now, yeah?”  
“Yes.” Phil said, sitting up slightly, taking a drink of the water. “Thanks, Danny.”  
“Danny again, is it?” Dan smirked  
“Ugh shut up.” Phil said pulling blankets over himself.  
Dan turned on the hallway light and shut off Phil's light. “Good night, Phil.” Dan said quietly as he went back to his own room, smiling and shaking his head. Phil never got drunk, he was going to feel awful in the morning. Not that Dan would admit it to anyone, but secretly he was a little glad for this. It served him right for leaving him for that woman. Dan knew how childish and petty he was being, he didn't care. Being able to relax now that Phil was home and safe, Dan fully was able to drift off to sleep.  
Dan woke up to something warm next to him. He panicked briefly, then saw Phil curled on his side, his back pushing against Dan's. For a moment Dan just focused on the warmth and the comfort that it had brought him, Dan sighed contently. He felt like he was at peace for the first time in as long as he could remember. It was like it was in the past when he and Phil slept together in the same bed. He smiled as logic suddenly butted in. “What the hell?” Dan thought as he turned over, facing Phil's back. Why was Phil in his bed? Was he okay? This worried Dan, especially after he had lied earlier about his time with Cindy. It must have been because he was intoxicated. In his sleep, Phil turned over, now facing Dan. It was just becoming light, and with what was shining into the window, Dan could see Phil's face was puffy, perhaps from the alcohol, however it appeared he may have been crying. Dan's scowled, why was he crying? Dan pushed Phil's fringe out of Phil's eyes and face, sliding his hand down his cheek. The feelings he had for Phil had started years ago, but Dan knew that sooner or later the dam would have to break and he would have to either leave Phil or tell him the truth. He also knew that it was his fault that they hadn't gotten closer, he sighed to himself. Phil's face was warm and he wanted nothing more than to kiss Phil's swollen lips. Smiling sadly, he pulled his hands back, placing them together under his head, on top of his pillow. He watched Phil sleep, his breathing was steady and rhythmic and it lulled Dan back to sleep.  
When Dan woke up again, Phil was not there. He assumed he had sobered up and went back to his own bed, probably embarrassed, realizing what he had done. Disappointed, Dan stretched and got out of bed. He was about to take a shower, but he wanted to check on Phil first. As he approached Phil's door he heard pitiful whimpering. Dan knocked.  
“Phil?”  
“Kill me.” Phil responded, Dan, chuckled. He got the aspirin and knocked again.  
“Phil, can I come in?”  
“Okay.” He moaned.  
“Pretty hung over, huh?” Dan smirked, handing him the bottle but immediately regretted to petty thoughts he had had earlier. Phil was really sick.  
“Yes, my choices last night were,” he paused, “Poor.” Phil said with regret.  
Dan didn't know if he was referring to the amount he drank, or something else, but he didn't ask.  
“Well take those and go back to sleep. I will check on you later, you party animal.” Dan smirked.  
“I'm sorry, Dan.” Phil was clearly worried that Dan was going to be upset with him. Phil could see some sadness in Dan's eyes.  
“Just don't puke on me.” Phil groaned as Dan continued onto his shower, he left Phil's door open so there would be airflow for his poor hungover friend. Dan didn't take or give apologies very often, unless ironically. It was a flaw of his and he was not good at conveying forgiveness. Besides, any anger Dan had dissolved away when he saw how poorly Phil was, now he just felt sorry for him. Dan peeked his head into Phil's room as he passed, Phil was deeply sleeping again. Dan shook his head slightly and continued with his day. He would take care of Phil today, he didn't think his flatmate could do much for himself anyway.  
When Phil finally was awake it was late in the afternoon Painfully, he crept out of the bedroom to the lounge, where Dan was sitting contently in is sofa crease, scrolling through something on his laptop.  
Phil sat next to Dan, his face in his hands. Dan looked at him. “Phil you look like hell.”  
“I am old.” Phil said, “I don't handle much anymore.”  
Dan laughed, “30 isn't old, Phil.” He said.  
“Old enough.” He leaned back into the sofa.  
Not making eye contact, Dan asked, “What do you need Phil?”  
Phil pulled his head out of his hands “Coffee.” Phil said simply.  
“Yeah, Okay. You should eat something, yeah?”  
“Probably.” Phil said, however his face paled slightly.  
Dan stood up, and ruffled Phil's hair roughly.  
“Hey. Stop. That's not nice.” Phil groaned, Dan laughed again.  
As Dan was in the kitchen he made coffee and soup for Phil. Whenever Phil was sick, whether it was self-induced or not, Dan got to take care of him. He would act like a smart ass about it, but in all reality he didn't mind taking care of Phil. Dan returned to the lounge, coffee and soup in hand.  
“Here's coffee, and here's some soup. Interrupted my browsing, you know.” He smiled handing them to Phil. “Please try not to projectile vomit all over the lounge, okay?”  
“Thank you.” Phil took it and tentatively took a gulp of coffee. After a few minutes he carefully spooned a very small amount of soup into his mouth, he was worried. Dan gazed at Phil, he looked so weak and powerless right now. He was adorable, and vulnerable. He was his Phil. Dan's heart fluttered and his stomach knotted as he noticed Phil meeting his gaze. His face flushed,  
“You're enjoying this power, aren't you Dan?” He asked  
“Yes. Immensely.” Dan sat back down and continued what he was doing.”However, I am really OP right now.” He laughed.  
Phil's face scrunched up as if he has remembered something, he said. “Dan, are you feeling better? I know you got ill a few times during the meeting. I shouldn't have even gone out last night.” Phil stopped and shook his head at himself. Then he turned to look at Dan “What was wrong?”  
Dan blushed “Ah yeah, Phil. I'm fine. Didn't last too long.” the tension could be easily felt, but neither one said anything.  
“Was it lunch yesterday?” Phil asked.  
Dan didn't want to lie, but he didn't want to fully tell the truth either. “I don't think so, but it's passed now. Besides, you are far too sick to be worrying about me.” Dan smirked again.  
“You still look flushed. You should go rest, I am okay.”  
“And miss hung over Phil? Nice try, Mate.” Dan smirked as Phil rolled his eyes.  
The rest of the day Dan and Phil watched anime together, things starting to return to normal. Dan was obsessively overthinking about Phil. What had to act so out of character? Phil was slightly leaning against him and Dan could see the stolen glances Phil was taking of him.  
It was later evening when Dan had to ask. He had been taking care of Phil all day, which was always comforting to Dan. Typically Phil was the caregiver, so with the roles reversed it was refreshing. It was driving him nuts not knowing what had happened to Phil, nothing pissed him off quicker than someone taking advantage of Phil's kind nature and awkward social graces. Phil usually told him everything, but with the way Dan acted it was no surprise that Phil hadn't been too forthcoming. Careful with his tone, voice soft and concerned he asked:  
“Phil, what happened last night that made you drink so much?” Dan did not make eye contact.  
“Oh real talk. Worried about me, yeah?” Phil joked  
Dan softly and evenly said “Yeah, Phil. I am.”  
Phil sighed realizing that Dan was honestly concerned. “I just, I was being myself, so you know how that goes.” He sighed “I said too much. Embarrassment, you know.” He shook his head “I don't want to talk about it, I am embarrassed now as it is.” He sighed, obviously harshly judging himself.  
Dan smiled at him. His poor friend, who was so clumsy and had a knack for sticking his foot into his mouth.  
“Okay, Phil.” Dan reached over and patted his leg, his hand resting there a bit too long, before he quickly withdrew it. “But for the record, there is nothing wrong with you being yourself.” Dan then looked straight ahead at the TV, Dan wanted to hug him, but he knew it wouldn't be appropriate. Why now? Why was this so much harder now? Dan had dealt with his jealousy before, but it seemed like now he finally was starting to lose control. It scared him. The years of repressed feelings seemed to be hitting him at full force.  
“I'm going to bed.” Phil finally broke the half of an hour silence.  
Dan nodded and patted Phil's leg again. “Goodnight.” He said as he watched Phil get up, stretch and go to his room. Dan was starting to show more affection towards Phil without meaning too. It was going to get him into trouble. He knew Phil was starting to notice and unless he was willing to be open with his feelings, which he wasn't sure he was yet, he needed to stop.  
As he checked Tumblr before he went to bed, a photo he hadn't seen before caught his eye. Phil with that woman and he was kissing. He was fucking kissing her! Sure it was on the cheek, but still. That woman again. Dan's rage that had caused him to slam the laptop shut, quickly faded into despair that led him to crying into his pillow. He was jealous, he was heartbroken and he was mad. Were they a thing? Were they going to see each other again? Dan knew he shouldn't stand in the way of his friend's happiness, and he wouldn't, but he couldn't stop the pain in his chest. “This is going to kill me.” He thought as he cried.  
Phil was still awake, thinking. He knew Dan was jealous of Cindy paying so much attention to him, he also knew how childish Dan acted. Phil figured he was upset because she has chosen Phil to get a drink with, not Dan.“Girls can like me to.” He thought, bitterly. If Dan only knew the truth that he had no interest in Cindy other than a friend. Maybe he should tell him, so if Dan wanted to ask Cindy out her could. This made Phil uneasy to think about. Cindy had asked him to go for a drink just to talk because they got on so well. However, about an hour in, she asked him about Dan and something happened that Phil didn't intend on. With the help of the sweet drinks, he ingested he started to answer questions about Dan and somehow had disclosed his deepest feelings. It was like he couldn't stop, he barely knew her, and yet there he was telling her the biggest secret he had ever kept. He then felt stupid and fearful that he had disclosed something so important to her, so he just drank. He knew at the time it was a bad idea, but he didn't care. He was lucky that Dan wasn't so mad that he wouldn't help him into bed, he was in no condition to do it himself. Somehow in a drunken haze Phil had gotten into Dan's bed. He wasn't sure how or why, but when he woke up needing a wee he was shocked. Quickly and quietly he exited Dan's room, hoping he would be none the wiser. The truth of the matter was, that Phil was only interested and in love with one person. Now he found himself crawling into that person's bed when he needed comfort, without even realizing it. Phil noticed that Dan had become more affectionate, but Phil assumed it was because he felt bad for him. Phil would have to find a way to go on with their lives, because he knew he couldn't have Dan. Not the way he wanted him, anyway. Phil sighed and turned over. He was not going to be able to sleep well. He got up to get a drink, passing Dan's door. He stopped when he heard soft sad notes of the piano and sniffling. Dan was really upset. He almost knocking, but he didn't want to embarrass Dan or make him feel awkward. Still, he stood and listened a moment, his heartbreaking as the piano music stopped and a was replaced with a gut-wrenching sob. “Oh Dan, don't cry.” He whispered. Why would Dan be crying so forcefully? What had hurt him so much?  
When Phil headed back, he paused at Dan's door again. Silence. No longer were there sad notes or crying filling the quiet of the night. Sighing sadly, he went back to bed. He wanted nothing more to comfort Dan, hoping he himself, was not the reason for such a sad melody. 

The next morning they had planned to go into town to get some needed supplies and props for videos, as Phil would be leaving for a few days. Dan was just stepping out of the bathroom, drying his hair, when he met Phil's eyes. Dan could have sworn he saw Phil blush. It was actually very early for both of them to be awake, but it seemed as if neither one was sleeping well.  
“Phil, do you want to stop and get breakfast while we are out?” Dan's voice was still thick with sleep.  
“Sure.” He said simply, he was tired, both physically and emotionally. He stretched and yawned.  
Dan stopped and looked at his friend as he passed. “Phil, are you still sick?”  
“No, not really, just didn't sleep well.”  
Dan gave him and skeptical eyebrow raise “You still okay to go out though?”  
“I'll be fine, just want to shower and have some coffee. I'll be fine.” If Phil was honest, Dan didn't look much better. His eyes were red and puffy as well as carrying a deep shade of blue-gray bags underneath them. Phil wasn't going to start that conversation, though. He was sure Dan wouldn't talk about it anyway.  
When they left the house, they decided to walk down their street to the small cafe nestled in a quiet corner. Both of them were unusually quiet, Dan just assumed Phil was in foul mood and choose to let him get some food and coffee before trying to make any attempt at intelligible conversation.  
Phil thought Dan was still mad at him for the whole Cindy incident. So he said nothing. After they were halfway through, Dan was unable to continue with the wordless breakfast .  
“Phil, why are you so mad at me?” Dan's head was down, and he looked up at Phil. His voice sounded more wounded than he wanted it too.  
Is this why he was crying last night? Phil had a confused look on his face, Dan's tone had taken him by surprise. Dan was hurt. “I-I'm not mad, but I feel like you still are mad at me.” Phil said, as childish as that sounded, it was how Phil felt.  
“I am? I wasn't aware of this. Thanks for telling me, Phil.” Dan rolled his eyes, this made the corners of Phil's mouth turn up into a smile.  
“Seriously?” Phil asked, “Don't think I didn't see that look you gave me when I left with Cindy.” Phil said, looking at his plate, humor in is tone.  
Dan cleared his throat. “Ah Yeah, awkward. Sorry.” Dan tried not to think of that woman and her face on Phil's lips. How close she was to him, how he wasn't able to be that close to Phil. What other things had they done? Did she touch him? Did they- Dan tried to stop himself as the rage started to boil through his veins. It was too late. His face was red and it was evident that he was upset.  
“You-You're mad right now!” Phil exclaimed.  
“No, I'm not, Phil!” Dan lied as he shifted uncomfortably.  
“Yes, you are. I know you, Dan. Shocking as it may be, women ask me to drinks, too.”  
“I know that Phil!" Dan said too harshly, he watched Phil's expression turn to one of slight hurt, he shook his head. Quieter he said “Look, You know how I am, I am trying to,” Dan trailed off.  
Phil relented, as he saw the pink tint cross his friend's face and suddenly felt guilty for causing it. Dan already was upset the night prior, Phil didn't want to cause another night of depressing piano playing and sobbing. Honestly, though, he knew Dan was telling the truth. Dan was trying. Phil grabbed Dan's arm, giving it a quick squeeze. “Okay, Dan.”  
Dan shifted uncomfortably in his seat, pushing food around on his plate with his fork.  
“I'm sorry, Dan,” Phil said, sighing.  
Dan waved him off, quick to change the subject. “Well now that the train wreck is over, do you still want to get the stuff or would you rather head home?” Dan questioned, adjusting his fringe and avoiding making eye contact. The blush was still all over his face much to his dismay. Why was it getting harder to talk to Phil? Dan was scared, he didn't want to lose Phil. Phil spoke, cutting off his train of thought.  
“I think we need to get some food at least. I wouldn't want you to starve.” Phil said smiling.  
“Right.” He said pulling out his wallet, taking out the correct amount. “I need to pee and we can go.”  
Phil smiled, it wasn't unusual for Dan to pay when they were out. Dan actually took care of things like this more than Phil. He was better at it, better at making it look simple. Phil usually ended up with some sort of awkwardness; whether the money fell onto a plate of leftover food, or under the table making him have to crawl on the floor to retrieve it, it always seemed like something embarrassing happened. He smiled to himself as uninvited memories flooded into his mind. Dan didn't ever make a big deal of Phil's quirks when he was truly embarrassed, he would try to create a diversion. Phil knew he would be lost without Dan.  
Dan walked back and caught the tail end of what he referred to as Phil's “Fondness smile.” It happened when Phil remembered something touching or endearing, however, it didn't usually happen in public though. Dan looked at him for awhile, the far-off look in his eyes, the way the corners of his mouth were turned up and his teeth were showing, this was Phil. This was the Phil Dan got to see, not who everyone else got. Smiling, Dan sighed out loud. Phil looked so innocent and beautiful with this look upon his face. “You ready to go or you want to daydream more?” He asked as he approached him  
Phil jumped slightly and blushed but quickly recovered by saying “Yes, let's go.” Phil grinned.

They had been walking around for a few hours, Dan had saved Phil from injury a few times. He smiled, Phil didn't really pay attention to where he was going when he got involved in something. He remembered Phil's video about almost getting hit by a car while texting. “Dingus,” Dan said softly watching as Phil tried to chase a squirrel. They had gotten what they needed and started to head home. There was still tension and Dan hated it, he just wanted things to go back to normal. They walked mostly in silence, with only a few words between them.  
They were back at home and Dan went to Phil's room.  
“Hey, Phil.” Phil looked up “I don't know what's going on, but can we get over it? I don't like... this.” Dan crossed his arms. “I just don't want anything left weird.”  
Phil smiled “Yeah, I'm sorry If I hurt you, Dan.”  
“You didn't.” Dan smiled at him as he lied.  
“Okay.”  
“Things are too weird...” He repeated. “Yeah, I agree. Let's just forget about all that, okay?”  
“Agreed.” Dan turned to go. “How long will be with your family?”  
“Well, I'm leaving early tomorrow, I'll be gone until Friday.”  
“Okay, I would say “tell your mum hi,” but I saw her last night, so-” A pillow whizzed by Dan's head. Dan sighed happily, if only for the moment. It had been a long time since he had pulled out a “your mum” reference.  
“Very retro, Dan,” Phil said rolling his eyes, Dan just smirked.

Dan sighed as he stumbled out of bed at 6:30 am to bid Phil farewell.  
“Who takes a train at 7 in the morning?” He grumbled, rubbing his eyes.  
Phil laughed. “A lot of people, Dan.”  
“Not our kind of people.”  
“That's mostly true.” Phil moved closer to Dan, smiling softly at his hobbit hair. When he reached Dan, he pulled him into a hug. “See you Friday.” He whispered as they hugged.  
“You know where I'll be,” Dan responded equally as quietly, he hated it when Phil was gone, he couldn't sleep right, and he was just lonely.  
“Try not to stay on Tumblr all week,” Phil said pulling away, picking up his luggage.  
“Yes, Mom.” Dan smirked, “ Have a safe trip.”  
“I will take care of yourself, Dan.” With that Phil left the flat and Dan was now sentenced to spend the next 4 or so days alone. It was far too early to be awake, so Dan stumbled back into his bed.  
Phil texted him later on in the day.  
“I got here safely. See you Friday.”  
“Good. See you Friday.”  
Because this is how Dan and Phil were. 

Dan tried to record a video, but he was too depressed. He found himself watching through their old videos, as Phil talked through the screen, Dan closed his eyes. “I am screwed, ” he said out loud before he dozed off.  
The rest of the days consisted of Dan finding ways to pass time and not sleeping well. He found himself playing his piano until the early hours of the morning and doing nothing during the day. He had no motivation most days and with Phil was gone, it was even worse. He saw Phil had posted on Twitter, and he was having a great time. Dan wished he could be with Phil. The days passed slowly, Dan was miserable. He wandered into Phil's bedroom. He knew he shouldn't be there, but he couldn't help it. Phil's room made him smile. He sat on the bed, hugging one of his pillows and looked around. He missed Phil so much. He knew he was being ridiculous, but he couldn't help it. Dan put the pillow back, got up, turned out the light and shut the door. “Since when did I get so co-dependent?” He wondered out loud. He made his way back to his own room so he could try to sleep.  
After what seemed like ages of trying he gave up, just laying there. Phil was coming home in the morning and Dan couldn't sleep at all. Something had to give. Dan couldn't keep living this lie. He missed Phil more than he would miss a best friend, he missed him like his boyfriend. “Maybe I should-” Dan stopped the thought to himself. He wanted so badly show his feelings, to admit why he got so jealous. He was so afraid that he would ruin their friendship and he was scared of the outcome if it wasn't received well. Was it better having Phil like this, or not at all? He didn't know. Dan looked at the clock, it was 7:00 AM. Finally, exhaustion overtook him and he drifted off to sleep, thinking of black fringe and beckoning blue eyes.

“Dan are you still in bed, sleeping?” He heard Phil's voice calling from the hall, he smiled softly as he woke up.  
“I'm not sleeping now.” Dan moaned.  
Phil walked in and sat on the edge of his bed, looking at his friend concerned. “Are you ill?”  
“No, just didn't sleep well.”  
Phil frowned looking at him. He looked like he hadn't slept well for days. Phil started to worry.  
“How was your trip?” Dan asked.  
“Fun, good. I missed-” he stopped and looked down “London, though.” He recovered.  
Dan smirked. “I missed you too, you Dingus.”  
“Do you want to go get dinner tonight? I don't feel like cooking and it seems as if you probably don't either.”  
“Okay.”  
“Okay, I'll leave you to it then.” Phil hopped up off of the bed  
“Glad you're home,” Dan said as he laid back down and rolled to his side, falling asleep.

Phil could tell that Dan needed more sleep, the dark circles under his eyes were again a telltale sign. Lately, they seemed to be a reoccurring part of Dan's face. Frowning, Phil wished he could hold Dan as he slept, he had missed him, a lot. Phil sighed, got his things sorted from his trip and relaxed. Hours had passed and when he went to check on his friend, he was in a deep sleep and looked peaceful. Phil walked over to Dan, pulled the duvet back over his shoulders he smiled as he brushed Dan's hair to one side. When Dan was really asleep, his face showed no signs of worry or distress, it was perfect. Phil decided that they wouldn't be going out, so he left to get groceries. Dan looked liked he was in no condition to leave the house, at least not today. It was looking like he would be cooking after all, but Phil really didn't mind. He was okay taking care of Dan.  
When he put away all of the groceries, he checked for Dan, who was still asleep. Phil wondered if the man had slept at all when he was gone, and what could have been bothering him so much. Was Dan having another one of his famous “existential crisis” weeks? Was he like that the whole time he was gone? Was Dan depressed? Phil hoped not, he hated to see Dan like that. He thought back to the days before he had left when he had heard Dan crying. Was that the start of it? Phil started to feel ashamed that he had left Dan when he was in that state. As Phil sat on the sofa and booted up his laptop, he sighed again, disappointed in himself. He would just stay here and wait for Dan to wake up. Maybe they could talk about what was really bothering him and get it sorted.  
It was shortly after 7:00 pm when Dan finally started to stir. He saw the time. “Fuck, ” he said out loud.  
He got up to find Phil with headphones on, eyes glued to his screen.  
“Phil, why didn't you wake me up?” He said yawning  
Phil removed his headphones, smiling. “Dan, you haven't been sleeping, so I figured sleep would be more important.”  
“We could still go out to late dinner...” Dan said, embarrassed.  
“No, No. It's okay. I bought food, I can start cooking at any time.”  
Dan sat next to Phil, looking at him carefully. “Okay.” Dan sighed, obviously upset with himself.  
Phil smiled, “Really, Dan, it's okay. Should I start cooking now?”  
“I'll help. Let me shower.”  
“You shower, I'll cook. I really don't mind. Then I can tell you about my trip.” Phil said.  
Dan went to shower, frustrated with himself. He really wanted to hide his exhaustion from Phil, but when he went back to sleep he never thought it would be for the rest of the day. He hoped Phil wasn't disappointed that they were not going out. Dan groaned, how could he tell Phil that the reason he wasn't sleeping was that he wasn't there? Or that the reason it looked like none of the rooms were lived in when he was gone was because they were not. Dan shouldn't have been surprised that when Phil was finally home that he had passed out cold for several hours. As he finished showering, he was becoming more and more uneasy about the dreaded questions that he knew was coming from his flatmate. It really shouldn't be this big of a deal, but Dan feared soon enough he would let the real reason why he had been acting so differently slip out. 

Phil started to prepare dinner, it was simple spaghetti and cheese bread. He pulled out a bottle of wine to go with it. He set the bottle on the table after pouring two glasses for them. Taking a large satisfying drink of the wine, suddenly Phil's mind drifted to Dan in the shower. As the fantasy started to fill his mind with images, he suddenly shook his head, blushing at himself. Dan was his best friend, he knew he had to get over the attraction he felt towards him. More than once Dan had said he was not gay, but some of the signals he sent off confused Phil and he didn't know what they meant. Even if Dan were attracted to men, Phil doubted he would be into him anyway.  
Dan came into the kitchen “It smells nice in here.” He said with a smile. “What can I do to help?”  
Phil handed the other glass of wine to Dan.“Just get dishes out, everything is almost ready. Nothing to complex.”  
Dan nodded taking a sip, “Oh Swaggy Phil. It's wine night is it?” He laughed as he set down the glass and started to gather dishes.  
“I made Italian, usually there's wine right?” He took another sip “Besides, it's sweet and tasty” He said licking his lips. Dan sucked in his breath sharply.  
After the dishes were on the table, Dan leaned against the counter, sipping his wine and watched Phil. The way he moved around with ease, readying the meal and occasionally taking sips of his wine made Dan smiled, this was so domestic it was sickening. Then as things took a less innocent turn on Dan's behalf, he started focusing on Phil's lips. They were slightly swollen and tinged red from the wine. He wondered what it would be like to taste the wine off of Phil's lips while caressing his cheek. Phil was so-  
“What?” Phil asked, catching him staring.  
Dan blushed, spinning the wine in his glass. “Just worried you're going to trip over, moving so quickly. You have had wine, you know.” Dan lied.  
“Ha ha.” Phil went about what he was doing, getting everything set up and bringing dishes to the table. 

They were eating and Phil told Dan about his trip. Phil's stories always were very detailed and elaborate, Dan smiled. He loved listening to Phil talk. When Phil had finished and they were both through eating, a comfortable lull in the conversation came. It was so easy to exist with Phil, so natural. This was home. Dan stood up and started to take the dishes to the sink.  
“Dan?” Phil asked, still sitting at the table, watching Dan.  
“Yeah?”  
“Are you okay? Why weren't you sleeping?”  
And there it was, he knew Phil would ask. “I don't know, really.” He lied. “Just couldn't.”  
“Maybe you need a doctor?”  
“No, I'm sure it's fine.”  
Phil got up and started to help Dan clean up, dropping the topic for the time being. Dan was putting away a dish when Phil leaned over him, slightly pushing him into the wall accidentally. Phil froze, Dan's skin was warm and inviting. He smelled of Dan and sweet wine. Phil's breath hitched in his throat as they looked at each other. Dan's eyes shone with slight fear and the air was was thick with excitement. The tension of the circumstance could be felt in between the quick breaths that Phil was taking. He shifted slightly, still looking at Dan intently. He didn't move, letting his senses take in Dan. He was warm, he was so close. Phil wouldn't have to move much to meet his lips.  
Dan was the first to speak. “Ah, Phil?” Dan asked.  
Phil visibly swallowed “Does this make you uncomfortable?” He asked, attempting to be funny. Though the corners of his mouth were upturned, his voice came out husky and dominate.  
“Ah-” Dan's face was red, Phil was calm, collected and composed. “Phil, what are you doing?”  
Phil panicked slightly. What was he doing? “Dan, why couldn't you sleep?” His voice was deep. He eyes never left Dan's “Tell me.” He said, leaning in a little harder. Phil couldn't stop himself.  
Dan shifted into the touch for a moment and then cleared his throat. “I just couldn't Phil. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get away from this wall, you weirdo.” Dan laughed nervously, slightly pushing on Phil's shoulder.  
Phil blinked, slowly backed away, out of the kitchen, shock on his face. “Ah. I'm sorry.” Phil mumbled shyly. “I was going too-” Phil looked at the floor. “I, I gotta go.” Dan nodded at him as Phil stumbled over the arm of the sofa practically running to his bedroom.  
Dan was confused.“The hell was that?” He asked the air. He ran his hands through his hair as butterflies swarmed in his stomach and his mind raced. Phil was acting strangely, was there something that Phil wasn't telling Dan? Dan cleared his throat and finished cleaning, left in the kitchen to wonder on his own. Was it the wine? They had had enough to feel pleasantly warm, but Dan didn't believe either one of them were intoxicated. Dan finished cleaning up and sat at the table, finishing the last of the wine in his glass, lost in his own thoughts. 

Phil paced in his room “What was I thinking?” He had no idea what had come over him causing him to turn an accidental touch to pushing Dan into the wall. Was he drunk? He didn't feel drunk. What he felt was embarrassed and scared. He wondered what Dan thought, especially after he had run away. Phil sat on the edge of his bed, his face in his hands, bewildered. He was supposed to do a live show after his trip, he regretted promising that. For some reason when he was gone he tweeted he would do so, but now he just wanted to hide. He should have just waited until Thursday as per usual. It took 20 minutes to compose himself, but soon he was answering questions and smiling again. A knock came to his door, and he paled.  
“And here's Dan!” he choked out, his voice high and squeaky.  
“What was that Phil?” Dan asked, laughing “Going through puberty, are you? Or are you getting laryngitis again?” It was a surprise to the viewers that Dan was on the live stream, they hadn't really been doing them together lately. It wasn't planned that Dan was to be in this live show, he hadn't asked to be, but Phil was relieved. To Phil, this meant that Dan wasn't that upset over what had happened in the kitchen.  
“Ugh, I hope not!”  
Phil sat awkwardly beside Dan, trying his hardest for no one to notice. When they did he did not acknowledge the comments about it. Dan pretty much overtook the broadcast, as Phil was not very talkative anymore.  
When the live stream ended, Dan was sitting on his bed. An awkward silence filled the room. After what seemed like ages, Dan spoke.  
“You alright?” Phil only nodded as he sighed.  
“Um, so...” He started turning towards his friend. “What was that all about?”  
Phil sighed. “Which part?”  
“Well the live show was a disaster, you shouldn't promise them after a trip. But what I was referring to is what happened in the Kitchen.” Dan cocked his eyebrow.  
“I just want you to tell me why you couldn't sleep. I am worried about you, I am always worried about you.” he blurted out.  
Dan smiled. “I am okay, Phil. You don't need to worry about me.”  
“Yes I do, someone does. Especially if you aren't sleeping properly.” Phil said, no humor in his voice.  
“So you push me up into a wall?”  
Phil sighed. “Can we please just not talk about this?” He stood up and placed his laptop on the desk.  
“So we just pretend it didn't happen, then? Is that it?”  
“Please, Dan. Can we just let it go? I'm sorry.”  
“Just be open with me Phil, that's all I am asking.”  
Phil rolled his eyes in frustration. “It isn't like you are being honest with me, Dan.”  
Dan paled as he stood, ready to leave the room. “Fine Phil. Never mind.” Dan's face started to feel hot, the paleness now changing into shades of pink.  
“Since when do we keep secrets?” Phil asked, clearly hurt.  
“Since when do you take blond bimbos out to bars, get wasted, and post kissing pictures on the internet, Phil?” Dan was now angry. “Relax Dan, don't yell at him.” Dan thought to himself.  
Phil cocked his head, shocked. Hadn't Dan let that go yet? Why? Phil was under the impression that it was fine. He thought Dan was jealous that Cindy had chosen Phil, but now he wasn't so sure. Kissing pictures?  
Phil stepped towards Dan. “What are you on about, Dan?”  
“Ask Tumblr.” He said bitterly, looking at his feet.  
“There's a picture of me kissing someone on Tumblr?”  
Dan said nothing, but his brow was creased and his lips were pressed into a thin line.  
Phil took a deep breath, turning so their eyes met. “I didn't know you were still so upset about Cindy, Dan." Dan shrugged. “Dan, are you jealous?” Dan stayed quiet as Phil walked towards him, his entire demeanor had changed. Dan was subconsciously backing up as Phil came closer. “I think you are.” Dan exhaled loudly and kept backing up until he was against a wall again. Why was Phil continuing to do this? Dan was so confused. “Bloody hell, Phil. What do you know!” Dan intended the words to come out forceful and angry, but instead, they were soft and sad. Dan was now standing against the wall as Phil closed the gap between them, placing a hand on the wall next to each side of his head. Dan looked at both of Phil's hands next to him, turning his head as he did. His heart was racing as he returned his eyes to Phil's. There was something playful in them that made Dan shutter. Phil noticed and grinned  
“Dan, who were you jealous of?” Dan looked away, Phil grabbed his chin and pulled his head back towards him, causing Dan to gasp. “Me? Or Cindy?” He voice was deep, like in the kitchen, his eyes were wild and held a cocky glint.  
Dan was avoiding eye contact at this point, he was mortified.  
“You're blushing!” Phil said, surprised. “Who Dan?”  
“Phil. Stop. Please don't do this.” Dan muttered  
“Who?”  
Dan closed his eyes and tilted his head up to try to create some space between them. He did not want to confess his feelings for Phil, not like this. Phil would have none of it, though, tilting Dan's head back down into the small space between them. Dan still looked down.  
“Who, Dan?” Phil's body was now slightly pressed against Dan's, their knees were slightly touching. Dan couldn't take it. He swept his eyes to meet Phil's, a fiery passion and desire within a pool of brown. Phil gasped.  
“HER, alright? Fuck.” Dan said, never taking his eyes off of him. “I didn't want her to touch you.” Dan's eyes smoldered and Phil's heart raced.  
“Yo-you were jealous of her touching me?” He said, his voice uneven.  
“Yes.” Dan shifted slightly, showing he was nervous also pressing his knees further into Phil's. He was breathing heavier and his heart was about to beat out of his chest. They were so close, knees pressed together and it made Dan nervous. He didn't know what he should do, so he just tried to stay still. Phil looked at his eyes and then his lips.  
“Why couldn't you sleep, Dan?” He asked, Dan was almost panting now and through clenched teeth, he said  
“Because you weren't here.” more quietly he added “Are you happy now? You win Phil, now get off me.” He was clearly embarrassed and tears could be heard in his voice.  
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Phil knew he should stop and move away from Dan, but he couldn't. Dan was exposed and obviously flustered. “Because you were scared to be in the flat alone?” Phil questioned, his voice was low.  
“No. You weren't here.” His voice was hardly above a whisper. Dan was obviously admitting a weakness now, he looked so vulnerable.  
“What does that mean, Dan?”  
“For fuck sake, Phil.” Dan closed his eyes, he knew at this point Phil was toying with him. “Stop.” He begged. “Please.”  
“You need me around to sleep?”  
“Yes, you idiot.” He said, his voice was tentative.  
Phil sighed and with a voice hardly above a whisper he said “Oh.”  
Dan cocked his eyebrow, he had regained some of his own courage. “Do you remember crawling into MY bed after your date?”  
“It wasn't a date, Dan. Just drinks with a friend.”  
“Stop avoiding the question, Phil. Why were you pressed up against me in MY bed, and what happened on your date that made you cry?”  
“It wasn't a date, Dan.” Phil scowled.  
“You. Kissed. Her.” He said, anger flashing in his eyes, Dan shifted again.  
Phil frowned. “Well, I didn't mean too.” He said, honestly.  
“Yeah, well.” Dan trailed off, he was mad.  
“Would you rather I kissed you, Dan?” Phil asked, his voice low, shocking himself. Where was this bravery coming from?  
“What?” Dan feigned incredulous, but he was shocked that Phil was actually saying these things. Out loud.  
“Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about.”  
“Phil, I think I should go...” Every alarm in Dan's head was sounding, he needed to escape, now.  
“Not before you answer the bleeding question.” Phil licked his lips, not even able to recognize himself. He pressed Dan more firmly against the wall. Phil's face started to slowly move closer and Dan gasped.  
“Fuck you,” Dan grunted, slightly struggling. Phil smirked.  
“For once I have the upper hand in our friendship, huh Dan?”  
“I don't know who YOU are. Right now you are not my friend. He would never do this to me.” There were tears in Dan's eyes as he brought his arms up and pushed Phil roughly. Phil stumbled back, falling slightly and Dan darted for the door.  
“Dan, Wait.” He called after him, panicking. Oh God, what had he done? He had gone too far. Dan ignored him.


	2. The "Thing."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil finally talk about "the Thing."

Dan grabbed his jacket, bag and then practically ran out the flat door. The air had a chill and Dan could tell it was going to rain. He kept walking. What the hell was that? Phil had never shown that side of himself before. Was it the wine? He wondered again. How was he going to face him again? The lines had already been blurred, what did this mean? It wasn't as if Dan had flat out said he had feelings for his best friend, however, he had certainly given enough away. Even with an awkwardness that surrounded their encounters that night, the way Phil was acting made Dan wonder. The tension after the Cindy fiasco was pretty tangible, but Dan had a feeling this would be much worse. Dan sighed and continued to walk, the rain had started by this time and though he hardly noticed, he was now wet.  
This was going to change everything, whether he wanted it to or not. His thoughts kept going back to the way Phil's eyes sparkled, looking at him with fear and bravery at the same time. Dan couldn't help but smile, Phil had been so assertive, dominate even. Dan shivered slightly. He hadn't really seen that side of Phil, he was impressed and if he was totally honest with himself, very intrigued. This new side to Phil inspired Dan to wonder what could have happened if he had not run. Images flashed in his head and Dan groaned. Regardless of what he felt now, It still didn't change the fact of what had happened. They could blame it on the wine, timing or whatever other scapegoats they could think of, but it would never erase the memory of the looks they had exchanged. At least for Dan, it was forever burned into his memory.  
When Dan thought about it, it was all so stupid. He knew the reason they had ended up at this point, years into their friendship, was because of his own insecurities. Suddenly guilt washed over Dan, if Phil did have feelings for Dan, the years of pining must have been torture. They had gotten closer when they were on tour, their dreams came true. With the tour bus and constant traveling, they were forced to be in very close quarters. Dan loved him then. Dan has always loved him. He still didn't know if he was reading to much into this though, and he couldn't be sure. Dan continued to walk the dark rainy streets of London, with no regard for his own safety. 

It was well after 2 am when Dan finally returned to find Phil on the sofa, in a restless sleeping state. “Of course Phil would be on the sofa,” Dan thought as he smiled and grabbed the nearby duvet to cover Phil up. As he got closer, in the glow of the TV, Dan could see that Phil's eyes were puffy and his nose was red. He had been crying again. Dan felt guilt again, had he made Phil cry? Dan's heart twisted, of course, he had made Phil cry. Looking down at him he sighed and leaned in slightly, kissing the top of his head, gently. “It's okay, Phil. I am so sorry. I forgive you.” he murmured into his hair. He gazed at him for a few moments, wishing that they had just gone out to dinner like originally planned and possibly avoiding this whole mess. He turned, sighed and walked into the darkness of his room. He sat on the edge of his bed, not bothering to turn on any lights. Confusion and worry were filling him with dread and sorrow. When they both woke up it was going to be awkward and uncomfortable, but Dan was used to that. The more he thought about it, the deeper into the spiraling pit he fell. How would they recover from this? What was going to happen later? Dan sighed, laid back on the bed and looked up into the darkness of the ceiling. His thoughts spun around in his head, contorting and somehow making some resemblance of thought instead of aimless drifting.

Phil was suddenly aware of the duvet around him, Dan must have come home. He sighed, getting up, and walked to his bedroom. He wanted nothing more than to wake Dan up and beg for forgiveness. Phil was so mad at himself; He knew that Dan had some pretty strong boundaries and Phil probably had smashed through them all. As Phil laid down, he started to get lost in his own thoughts. He couldn't figure out what had even lead to the events that had occurred, it was so abnormal for Phil to act like that. When Dan was gone, Phil over analyzed what had happened and came up with at least 10 different scenarios that could have gone better. It wasn't like Phil was unaccustomed to being strange. He knew by this time Dan knew Phil's awkwardness, but still, Phil worried. This wasn't a typical “Phil put his foot in his mouth.” circumstance. He didn't know what would happen between them and the thought made him sick to his stomach. He had never imagined a life where they were not together. Phil wasn't sure he knew how to be an adult without Dan. He knew that he was an adult prior to meeting Dan, but that felt like a lifetime ago. A single tear slide down his face as he started to fall asleep. 

Phil woke up, feeling his bed move, he hadn't been sleeping that deeply anyway. Dan was sitting on his bed. It was still dark, Phil must not have been asleep very long, either. There was an uncomfortable silence in the time it took for the transition from Phil being asleep and awake until finally, Dan said.“Hi.”  
“Um Hi,” Phil responded, reaching for his glasses, turning on the bedside lamp. He blinked a few times looking at Dan. He was a mess “Are you alright? How long have you been here.” He asked nervously.  
“Awhile.” Dan's voice was strange, it sounded off. He still had his jacket on, it was wet. His hair was partially curly, partially matted to his head. Phil could sense the waves of sadness that he emitted.  
“What's the matter, Dan?”  
Dan laughed. “Oh you mean besides whatever the hell earlier was?”  
Phil blushed. “I was kind of hoping that was a dream.”  
“Nightmare.” Dan corrected, Phil frowned.  
“I am worried about you. I-I don't, Where did you go?”  
“Just walked around.”  
“That was really dangerous at night.”  
Dan shrugged and looked at his hands.  
“How are we going to fix this?”  
“I don't know if we can, Phil.” Dan shifted.  
A sob choked in Phil's chest, he looked into Dan's brown eyes, that now sparkled with tears.  
“Listen, earlier, what I did to you,” Phil stammered. “I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm so sorry.”  
Dan sighed, shook his head and smiled sadly. “Phil, we are like that all the time. I am fine. You just got a little more handsy than usual.” Dan winked at him ironically.  
“Yeah, but-” Dan cut him off.  
“Do you remember, years ago, when I was so excited to come to your new flat? How excited we were to just, be? We were so young, so excited about YouTube, about the radio show, about life.” Dan closed his eyes as a memory seemingly took him out of Phil's room momentarily.  
“I remember feeling like I finally was able to be the real me,” Phil said.  
Dan smiled, coming back to the present.“Yeah, same. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Do you ever watch our old videos, Phil?”  
“I do, I was last night.” He blushed.  
“I could see it, even back then. Phil Lester, you are truly an astonishing human being.”  
“Dan...”  
Dan inhaled sharply, “I can't do this anymore, Phil.” His voice raised a few octaves, and even as he said it, he was still trying to convince himself  
“Do what?”  
“Pretend, act like I am fine.”  
“But you just said you were?” Phil was confused and starting to panic.  
“No, Phil, calm down, not from earlier. That was, well that was fucking weird, ngl, but it's fine.” He paused and sighed “I mean, like, pretending that generally I am fine and this is just normal life, like we are just best friends. Because It's not, it never was. Existential crisis? I am on the verge of the most colossal I've ever had. What is the point Phil?” hugged himself and said quietly “What is the fucking point?” Phil shifted towards him, grabbing one of his hands.  
“I am not sure I know exactly what you mean,” Phil said, but that wasn't entirely true.  
“Phil, you are not stupid.” Dan started to shake as if he were going to cry, but he didn't. “This, us... I don't know if I can live with you anymore.” As the words tumbled out, the pain in his voice was clear. Dan slowly withdrew his hand from Phil's.  
“What?” Phil swallowed hard, shifting towards him, his eyes wide and filling with tears. It was his worst fear was playing out right in front of him.  
Dan's voice was weak and betrayed him “Phil, don't. This is hard enough-”  
“Slow down. Dan, please, I am sorry. I am so sorry.”  
“This isn't your fault, Phil.” He said  
“Dan, I don't know what I was doing, and I'm sorry.”  
“You need to calm down Phil. I don't know what you were doing either, but this isn't about earlier, I 've already said that.”  
“Dan,” Phil said, his voice strained. “I don't understand.”  
“I know, that's my fault.”  
“So explain it to me. Make me understand.”  
“Phil, I am dying inside. Every day hurts just a little more.”  
Phil's voice was quiet and serious “You feel like you are dying?” A tear slid down his cheek. Dan said things like this often, but the way he had said it in that moment was entirely different. “Why?”  
“Oh God, Phil. Don't cry.” Dan's eyes filled ever further, but the tears didn't fall to his face. He couldn't stand to see Phil cry.  
“Dan-” Phil choked as Dan cut him off.  
“The problem is I can see it, I have for years. I think you have too, but I don't know that it matters. Things are so confusing right now, so blurred. There is so much to lose. So much to fuck up. Destroy even. So many people. Our lives, our whole God damned lives, Phil.” He sighed. “It's the only fucking option, yeah? If one of us goes.” Dan looked away. “And since this is my problem, It has to be me Phil. It's okay.” Dan turned away.  
“No.” Phil whispered. “No. Nothing about any of this is okay.” He said louder. Dan said nothing. “If this is because I got to handsy or too close to you, I will stay away from you until you are comfortable with me again. I promise I won't do that again. If this is because of Cindy, or last night or whatever else, I'll fix it. Please, none of that matters, Dan. We matter, Dan and Phil, right? You matter. Our followers matter...” Phil was panicking, his words came out quickly. Dan make no movements still. “You shouldn't have to to leave, if anything, this is my fault.”  
“Phil, relax. Take a breath. I think what we want just differs. Or maybe it doesn't, but we are not on the same page. Listen, I have already forgiven you for what happened after the live show. I know you wouldn't hurt me. Not intentionally, anyway. As far as Cindy goes, you know I can't control my jealousy especially when she gets-” Dan stopped and straightened up.  
“Dan, please.” He closed his eyes as more tears slid down his cheeks, he whispered: “Please don't leave.” He inhaled sharply. “Don't leave me.” He took a deep breath in, then out. “I don't want to lose you. You're too important.”  
“I just, I don't know anymore. I am always lying. I'm sick of pretending. I am tired.” He sighed “I can't go on like this, Phil.”  
“Please, don't. We have been through so much.” Phil begged. Dan smiled sadly as he started to get up off of the bed.  
“It will be okay. We can make it work living apart.” Phil shook his head. Dan was about to say something else when Phil quickly sat up on his knees. He grabbed Dan's arm roughly and pulled him back down onto the bed. He then made his way closer, until Dan's face was inches from his own. Dan had a look of shock on his face.  
“Ah.” He said as he licked his lips, nervously.  
“You are an idiot,” Phil said, sniffling as the tears stopped.  
“Excuse me?” Dan said with an offended laugh in his tone.  
“You heard me,” Phil said. “ I know I said I wouldn't do this to you again.” He pulled Dan slightly closer, the husky tone returning to his voice as he said: “ I'm sorry, I lied.” He took a deep breath. “If you thought I was going to let you do, whatever the hell you were about to do, you were wrong. This is not how this is working Daniel Howell.”  
“Phil...”  
“No, shut up and listen to me.” The shock returned to Dan's face as he shifted slightly to relieve some of the tension. Phil continued. “When we started to Skype I knew that there was something there, when we met in Manchester, when we filmed the first “Phil is not on fire.” I am so sorry, Dan. I am so very sorry, that you have had to feel like this for long. So conflicted, so confused. I would fix it if I was able. You had to do that for you, I waited. There is a point, Dan, there are many points, actually. We, both of us are lying, I know we are. Hell, the internet knows we are. It just was easier, but now...” He tightened his grip on Dan a little.  
Phil took another deep breath, looked directly into his eyes then he placed his other hand on Dan's face, caressing it slightly. He could hear Dan swallow and see the anticipation in Dan's eyes. Phil could hardly breath as he waited for Dan's permission. It came in the form of slightly, almost unnoticeable nod from Dan as his eyes darted back and forth. Phil smiled slightly as he gently pushed his lips to Dan's, closing his eyes. Phil's head spun and his hands shook, but he smiled into the kiss. A contented sigh came from the back of Dan's throat and suddenly he leaned into the kiss and eventually was kissing back. Phil could feel warm tears bouncing off of his own nose from Dan's eyes. Phil pulled back.  
“Dan, this is not one-sided. It never has been. I was waiting for you, earlier in the kitchen, the waiting got the best of me. Or maybe the wine, or the fact that I missed you so damned much.” He said emotion raw in his voice. He sighed. “And so you know, I'd always rather be kissing you, than anyone else.” He said quieter, more bashful. “I didn't think you were ready for me to kiss you and I wasn't sure you wanted me too.” There was a hint of sadness in his voice.  
“Really?” Dan squeaked.  
“Yes. Really.”  
Dan didn't know what to say, Phil wiped the tears away from his eyes.  
“I can't tell you how many times I wanted to stroke your hair and tell you were not alone in your “Existential crisis” times. Or just hold you in a hug when I knew you were sad. I feel like I have had thousands of game overs waiting for you.”  
“You have?” Tears were still streaming down his cheeks.  
“Yes. I was so scared, and after 2012's “no homo Howell” phase, I wasn't sure I was ever going to be able to be honest with you.”  
“2012 Dan was an asshole.”  
Phil smirked, “Yeah, he was.”  
Dan sighed and wiped his eyes. “I just don't know, Phil. This was so dumb” He muttered quietly as he shifted.  
Phil crawled closer to him, slowly he removed Dan's wet coat and threw it onto the floor. He then brought his hand up to Dan's face, brushed the hair out of his eyes and pulled him into a hug. Dan stifled a sob and curled into Phil's neck, allowing himself relax. His heart was still racing, but somehow he felt like he was okay. Safe.  
“We were both being idiots,” Phil said pulling out of the hug. Then scowling he said, “You are very wet.”  
Dan smirked. “Shall I shake like a dog then?”  
“No! No. You should go change. You can't be comfortable.”  
“Hadn't really noticed, tbh,” Dan said getting up and slowly starting to walk to the door.  
“Get changed and come back, okay?” Phil asked.  
Dan only nodded as he left the room  
“Oh my God.” Phil thought, blushing profusely and grinning. He had finally kissed Dan and better yet, Dan had kissed him back. He went to his wardrobe and got another shirt as his was wet from hugging Dan. Phil sat back on his bed, waiting for Dan to come back. When he did, he looked as if he had aged ten years. He was looking down, not at Phil, but it wasn't hard to see the dark circles under his eyes. Dan stood awkwardly at the side of Phil's bed.  
“You looked exhausted, Dan,” Dan grunted in response, his hair was now puffy and curly. It was adorable. “And you have massive hobbit hair going on.”  
“Well, you know, rain,” Dan said, stifling a yawn.  
“Do you just want to go to sleep, then?”  
Dan shook his head, trying not to yawn again, causing Phil to chuckle.  
“Yes, you do.”  
“M'fine, Phil.” Dan sunk down and sat on Phil's bed again. Why did this feel so strange? He had sat on this bed hundreds of times, hell he had even slept in it a time or two. Still, here he was, shy and nervous.  
“You need sleep.”  
“Look who's talking,” Dan said glancing at Phil out of the corner of his eye.  
“Well, yeah. Someone woke me up with some pretty ridiculous ideas.” Dan smirked. “So I know things are,” Phil motioned to them “Tense.” He finished. “I really want to ask you to sleep in here, with me tonight.”  
Dan's eyes widened slightly, as he looked up at Phil. “Yeah?” He asked quietly.  
“Unless that makes it too weird for you,” Phil said as he patted the bed next to him and laid down.  
Dan shook his head and slowly laid next to him. Phil was pulling him close to his chest. A contented sigh once again came from Dan as Phil pulled the duvet over them. “Is this okay?” Phil asked.  
“Mm.” Is all Dan responded.  
Phil took off his glasses, turned off the light, It was as if his whole body was on fire with satisfaction, he finally was able to hold Dan.  
“I was so scared you were gone for good when you left, that I would never see you again.” Phil whispered, he continued, “But we will figure this out Dan, I promise.”  
“I hope we do, Phil..” Dan responded as he lay still. He just focused on Phil's arms around him and how safe he felt. Dan had only felt this way when he was with Phil. He wondered how long it would be before he screwed it up, he sighed. Phil's arms tightened around him.  
“Dan, stop overthinking things.” He knew Dan well. “Go to sleep, it's going to be fine.” Shortly after, both were sleeping, more peacefully than either had in a long time.

When Phil woke up, Dan was gone. Panicking slightly he got out of bed and went to Dan's room, he wasn't there, not in the bathroom either. “oh, No. Not again.” He muttered as he walked out to the lounge. Sighing relieved, Phil saw Dan was propped up, resting his head on his hands, staring at his screen. He looked at Phil and frowned.  
“Are you okay?” He set his laptop down  
Phil swallowed and closed his eyes. “Yeah, I am now.” Phil slowly unclenched his fists that he didn't realize he was clenching as he walked closer to Dan.  
Dan got up and walked over to Phil, slightly laughing. “You were afraid I had left, weren't you?”  
Phil scowled and before he could control himself he said. “Well you ran out on me last night, didn't you? Wandering around the streets of London in the rain was better than talking to me, I guess.”  
Dan was shocked by his harshness, but moved closer to Phil, pulling him into an embrace. Phil sighed, but relaxed. “Phil, I had to leave, we needed time to figure out.” He stopped as he saw Phil's anger melt away into sadness. He sighed. “I'm sorry, Phil. I didn't mean,” Dan trailed off, still, Phil was surprised by the sincerity of the apology. He expected a smartass or snarky comment in return. He pulled back to look into Phil's eyes. “Phil, I'm not going to leave, okay?” He smiled softly “I may need some space, but I will always come back to you, okay? I always have.”  
“Just, last night you were so ready to leave,” Phil said, taking a deep breath.  
“Calm down, Phil, I am sorry I said that. I was trying to make it easier for you, but looks like that blew up in my face.” Dan said softly. After a short time, they both realized they were gazing at each other. Everything around them seemed to stop, seemed to pause. Suddenly Dan made a move and his lips gently meeting Phil's. It was slow at first, but suddenly lips were crashing into each other and both of them were moving towards the sofa. Once there, Phil pushed Dan gently into the cushions, then moved on top of him. Phil started to run his hands up and down Dan's sides, causing him to moan. Phil could feel his own hardness starting, as well as Dan's underneath him. Instinctively, Phil's hips thrust into Dan and he tensed. Phil moaned.  
Dan pulled away, looking at Phil. “What?” Phil asked.  
“Phil, I-” Phil could tell he was nervous, timid. This was the way Dan used to be, he hadn't seen this Dan in several years before last night. Dan was unsure of himself and his surroundings, he looked like he wanted to hide. With the mental state, Dan was in, Phil was also unsure of himself. He frowned.“Would you like me to stop?” He asked concerned he had gone too far.  
“No.” Dan looked up at him, anxiety and excitement in his eyes. “But I think we should.”  
Phil nodded, kissed his forehead and got up off of Dan. Dan was surprised by the sudden disappointment that he felt when the loss of contact occurred. He looked at Phil, apologetically. The had known each other for years, this part, however, needed to be slower.  
Phil smiled and patted his leg. “I could make breakfast?” He offered.  
“I'll do that, you made dinner last night.”  
Phil nodded, sinking into the sofa more, sighing. Soon Dan reappeared handing him a cup of coffee, knowing exactly how he liked it.  
“Thanks.” He said. Dan smiled.

A few days had passed, they hadn't really acknowledged the “thing” that was going on between them. Their lives fell into a comforting pattern as they had been before that night. It wasn't as if they were avoiding the “thing” but they were not really talking about it either. It was okay. This was okay. Phil knew that he still had to be careful with Dan. As much as he had grown, he was still very self-conscientious and shy in many aspects of his life. Phil was recording a video when he heard a loud bang and several things clatter to the ground. He then hear Dan screaming  
“Fucking twat. Jesus Christ.” Phil jumped up and darted towards the noise to investigate. It was in the kitchen, and there sat on the floor amongst several pots and pans was Dan just shaking his head.  
“Are you alright?” Phil asked, chuckling. Looking at the mess surrounding him, Dan turned to look at Phil. There was already a large lump forming on his forehead near his eye. Right below it was a cut and a thin line of blood slowly was making its way down towards Dan's eyes. “Hold on.” He grabbed the kitchen roll and knelt in between pans, gently blotting the blood away. “What were you doing?” Phil said softly. Dan sighed.  
“Obviously I was cooking,” Dan said sarcastically and reached up to touch his head and hissed. “Pan shifted, I jumped, hit my head.” Then he motioned to the things around him.  
Phil chuckled slightly. “Usually, I am the one that's on the floor,” Phil said, starting to gather the pans and putting them away, clearing a path so Dan could get up. Dan just watched him, embarrassed.  
“I can do that Phil.” He said dryly.  
“Just sit, you hit your head, and it's already starting to bruise. I should take you to A and E.”  
“No. No, I am fine.” Dan shifted and used the counter to help him get up. His head spun slightly, but he wasn't going to tell Phil that.  
Phil noticed. “Maybe you should sit down.”  
“I said I was fine.” Dan snapped, causing Phil to jump slightly. “Fuck,” he muttered as stumbled and sat down. Phil had all the pans cleaned up, he made an ice pack and he went to where Dan was sitting. He turned a chair so it was facing him and scooted closer. Phil looked closely at Dan's face, the lump was large. Softly he placed the ice pack on the lump, as looked into Dan's eyes. They just looked at each other, sitting in the peaceful calm. After a while, Phil said.  
“How do you feel?” Dan could see his eyes shone with fear and concern.  
“I'm okay Phil.” Dan smiled slightly.  
“I think you're going to have a black eye,” Phil said.  
“Well, I think I could make a video on this,” Dan said and Phil laughed. Dan grabbed Phil's hand that held the ice pack to his head and guided it to the table. Phil set it down as Dan leaned in and slowly kissed him. Phil closed his eyes as he brought his other hand to cradle Dan's cheek. When the kiss broke, Phil leaned his forehead on the uninjured side of Dan's.  
Softly Dan said “Thanks for,” Dan trailed off, starting to blush.  
“We are quite a pair, aren't we?” Phil asked.  
Dan scoffed.  
“What were you making? Let me help you?” Dan pulled back and shook his head slightly  
“It's fine Phil, I'll just eat crisps or something.”  
“For dinner?” Phil shook his head “No. What do you want Dan?” Dan blushed but shrugged.  
“I'm not even hungry anymore, honestly. Just sore.” Phil nodded.  
“Why don't you go lay down in the lounge, I'll make us some Hot chocolate and we can go from there?”  
Dan nodded and made his way to the lounge while Phil stated to make them their drinks. When he brought the mugs to the lounge, he found Dan sitting up just staring into space.  
“Dan?” Phil questioned.  
“Hmm? Oh, sorry. Got lost in thought.” Dan seemed sad.  
“What's wrong?”  
“My head hurts.” That wasn't a lie, but Dan it wasn't what he was thinking about. In the last 5 minutes, it had occurred to Dan how close he was to telling Phil he loved him. He was internally obsessing about it. He didn't want to go too far and he knew it would be too cliche.  
Phil set the mugs down. “I've brought you tablets.” Phil handed him a bottle of water that he had tucked under his arm, then the tables. Dan sighed looking at the pills. Phil then handed him two biscuits.  
“Don't worry. I know you hate taking them, but you need them.” Phil smirked and sat next to him.  
“Thanks, Phil. Even though I don't like it, I appreciate you taking care of me.”  
Phil's lips pulled into a straight line. Didn't Dan like it? He shook his head and said.  
“Movie, yeah?”  
“Okay.” Dan agreed.  
Phil started to half watch the movie and Dan at the same time. Dan was keeping something from him, he didn't know what it was, but he could tell. Phil had to remind himself that he had to be patient with Dan, it was going to take him time to get used to their “Thing.” As Phil sat next to him, he could feel Dan's leg touching his slightly. It was confusing transitioning into whatever they were from “friends.” Dan sighed and kept looking at Phil out of the corner of his eye. Phil shifted closer to Dan, pulling him into his chest. At first, Dan sat stiffly, but soon he relaxed and snuggled into him.  
“That's better.” Phil murmured into Dan's hair, Dan sighed contently.  
The movie was over and Dan was breathing evenly, a tell-tale sign he was asleep. Phil nudged him.  
“Hey, you shouldn't sleep.”  
“Mm, what?” Dan groaned.  
“You could have a concussion.”  
“Phil, I don't have a concussion, I just banged my head.” He pulled away from Phil and looked at him. He now had a black eye. Phil winced.  
Dan smirked. “Look's that bad does it?”  
“You have a black eye,” Phil said.  
Dan shrugged and stood up stretching. “Are you hungry?”  
“Yeah, actually. What do you want?”  
“I will make what I was originally making,” Dan said, leaving the room before Phil could protest.  
Phil sighed and looked at his hands. He felt this overwhelming urge to rush into the Kitchen and stop Dan, but he knew it would do no good. Dan hated feeling vulnerable or weak. Phil knew it was due to fear, but that really didn't matter. Phil loved Dan. He had known that he had been in love with his best friend for some time now and he wanted to help him. Dan had come so far, but he still was so insecure, and he covered it with jokes, sarcasm, or just altogether ignoring the issues. Phil leaned back and closed his eyes. Suddenly he was very tired.

When Dan walked into the lounge, two plates in his hands, he saw Phil had dozed off. He set the plates down and looked at Phil. He was sleeping and worry still creased his brow. Dan sighed.  
“Phil.” He said softly, with no response. “Phil?” He tried again, a bit louder. Still, Phil did not wake up.  
Dan walked over to him and gently rubbed his cheek. “Hey Phil, wake up.” Phil's eyes fluttered open and Dan couldn't help but think that it had looked like a scene out of a romance movie. He chuckled softly. “Dinner is ready.” He said, “I am going to get drinks, Ribena?”  
“Yeah, thanks.” He said as he blinked the sleep out of his eyes. Dan pulled his hand back, leaving the room and returned with two drinks, then handed him a plate.  
“This looks really good,” Phil smiled. “Thanks.”  
“You're welcome.” Dan started an episode of a series they had been watching and started to eat.  
After a while, Dan broke the silence.  
“Thanks again for helping me earlier.” He said, a blush on his cheeks, never making eye contact.  
“Of course. How's the head?”  
“No headache, but the skin is sore.” Dan shifted  
Phil frowned. “Have a look in a mirror, yeah? You may not want to make that video.”  
Dan laughed. “Well, this would be evidence as to why I am a fail, Phil.”  
Phil smiled by shook his head. “True enough.”  
Dan stood up. “I am going to go work on this video.”  
Phil nodded “Look in the mirror first.” Dan smirked.  
Phil decided he should get started on his own video as well, it wasn't going to be as entertaining as Dan's, but they rarely were in his opinion. Hours into the editing of his own video, Phil noticed it was almost 3 in the morning, no wonder he was getting tired. He suddenly thought about Dan and his potential concussion. As he approached Dan's room the door was open, lights on and Dan was editing, tapping as he did.  
“Still at it?” He asked, leaning on the door frame.  
“Yeah, you too? You look tired Phil.”  
“It's three in the morning.”  
“Didn't know it was so late.” Dan saved what he was working on and switched off his monitor.  
“Yeah, me either. I am off to bed. How's your head? Do you need anything?”  
“Na, I'm fine Phil. You were right, though. It looks pretty bad.”  
Phil smiled sympathetically. “Alright, well. Get some rest I'll see you in the morning... well later I guess.”  
He turned to go when Dan caught his hand. Phil looked back stunned and Dan was looking down, shyly. Phil smiled and pulled him into a hug, Dan sighed contently and pulled away. Phil leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. “Good night, Dan.”  
“Night,” Dan said, turning to his bed.  
Phil made his way back to his own bedroom. They didn't want things to go too fast, after all, he knew how quickly things could wrong. He sighed as he turned out the lights and fell asleep. Dan laid down on the wrong side of his face, groaning. Phil had given him a good night kiss, Dan smiled and subconsciously touched his lips. 

Dan slowly was waking up, realizing how cold he was. He shivered and his teeth chattered. What the hell? Dan threw on a hoodie, walked into Phil's room that was empty and then to the lounge. There he found Phil in front of the fireplace in a hoodie that was huge on his, wrapped up in it like a blanket.  
“Hey.” He said. “It got colder than we thought it would and I have just turned on the heating.” He could see Dan's teeth chattering. “Come here.” Dan walked over and sat down. Phil held up one of his arms and Dan snuggled into Phil's chest.  
“What time is it?” Dan murmured  
“A little after 7.”  
“Bloody hell.” Dan groaned.  
“We can just sit here until the flat warms up, then we can go back to bed,” Phil explained.  
“Yeah, okay,” Dan said, cuddling into the Phil further. As he warmed up, his eyes became heavier and he fell asleep on Phil.  
Phil looked down at his sleeping form. He looked so young like this, like back in 2009.  
Phil slowly shifted him to the floor, got pillows and his duvet and went back to Dan. Moving a safe distance from the fireplace, he urged Dan onto a pillow, then into his chest. He sighed contently pulling the duvet up over them. As Phil held Dan, he smiled and fell asleep himself.


	3. Why are we like this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Smut*  
> New experience, revealed feelings and typical Phil. 
> 
> 10 Lions to anyone who gets the reference in here. ;)

“Damn it,” Dan whispered harshly, waking Phil up.  
“What's the matter?” Phil sighed.  
“Nothing, go back to sleep. I'm fine.”  
“Mm” Phil opened his eyes, Dan's back was to him and Phil's arm was loosely on his side. He sluggishly sat up to speak to Dan.  
“Let it go, Phil.” His tone was a warning, so Phil decided not to push it. Instead, he pulled Dan closer to him, holding him tighter and laid back down. Dan groaned and was squirming, but Phil could tell he was trying to keep it contained. Phil knew Dan was uncomfortable, but he wasn't sure why. It made him sad, but he never wanted to disrespect Dan's boundaries, at least not any more than he already had.  
“Dan, if you don't want me to hold you, just say. I'll stop. ” There was disappointment in Phil's voice, but he meant it.  
Dan sighed frustrated. “It's fine.” He said, forcing himself to be still.  
Phil could tell he was lying so he started to pull his arm back to his side and scoot away from Dan. “Really, Dan, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable.” There was a hint of sadness in Phil's voice.  
Dan sighed again, huffing at the end. He wasn't uncomfortable with Phil holding him, in fact, the reaction it had caused was why Dan was so jittery. Dan grabbed Phil's arm, stopping him from pulling it away. “Phil, you cuddling me isn't a problem, okay?”  
“Yeah, okay.” Phil didn't believe him and was ready to just let the whole thing go. He was tired and sore from laying on the floor anyway. He was still, wondering when Dan would let go of his arm.  
“Really, Phil.” Phil noticed Dan's voice was different.  
“Dan, it's okay, I'm not mad.”  
Dan knew he wasn't mad, it was worse than that, Phil was hurt. “I know.”  
Phil could hear Dan's heart beating quicker, he was nervous. Phil sighed, He started to move as if he was going to pull his arm out of Dan's grasp when Dan tightened his grip. The was a brief pause and Dan's hand seemed to be trembling.  
“I am clearly making you uncomfortable, It's okay Dan I will mov-” He was cut off by Dan pulling Phil's arm down his body, placing it on the cause of all of this. When contact was made, Dan moaned.  
Phil gasped. Wow. He had misunderstood and now could feel that Dan was hard, painfully hard. Dan's hand was still on top of Phil's holding it in place, still trembling slightly. Phil muttered a soft “Oh.” He never even imagined that this could be the problem.  
“You can move if you don't-” Dan was silenced when Phil flexed his fingers, a moan escaped his lips.  
Phil was starting to become hard himself. He whispered in Dan's ear “Hm, damn it indeed.”  
Dan shifted as a moan escaped his throat. “Do you want me to move my hand, Dan?” Phil's voice was confident and husky, but he wasn't going to do anything Dan didn't want.  
Dan gasped and shook his head, slowly moving his hand away from Phil's. This was new territory for them.“And here I thought I had crossed a line while all you needed was a little attention.” Phil mused, flexing his fingers again.  
Dan shuttered as a desperate “Shut up.” escaped his lips unknowingly.  
Phil planted a kiss on the top of Dan's head. “What, Dan?”  
“Fucking hell," "What do you want, Dan?" "A-anything Phil. Or nothing, if you want. Fuck.” Dan's hips thrust slightly forward.  
Phil pressed himself into Dan, letting him feel the effect he had on Phil. He ghosted his lips on Dan's ear and softly said: “In case you thought this was one-sided again.” Dan's moan was needy and desperate.  
Phil now started to palm Dan through his Pj bottoms, slow and steady. Dan breathing quickened.  
“Turnover?” Phil asked, removing his hand. Dan did so, facing Phil, the duvet falling to the other side of them. Phil winced, looking at the bruise on Dan's face and eye, it was angry and looked sore. When Phil looked into Dan's eyes, though, they were wild and wanting.  
“Dan, I know you are worked up right now, but I want you to be sure this is okay. I need to be sure.” Phil gently traced his finger on the diminishing bump on Dan's forehead.  
Dan didn't speak, instead, he pushed his lips into Phil's, soon their tongues were colliding. Phil pulled Dan closer to him moaning into his mouth, tugging slightly on his hair. He felt like he was soaring and was unable to think of another time he had ever felt this intense level of desire. Phil didn't want to stop and it took all of his willpower to separate from Dan, but this wasn't an answer. Phil knew he was he was already losing control.  
He pulled away. “I need words, Dan.” Phil's eyes darted back and forth, searching for any hesitation. He found none.  
Dan groaned. ”Yes, Phil. I am okay, this is okay.” Dan smashed his face back into Phil's as they ground against each other.  
Phil pulled away, pushing Dan onto his back and continued palming him through his clothes. Phil started to become concerned when he could tell Dan was becoming unsure and nervous.  
“Dan-” Phil was worried and he started to slow down.  
“I want this Phil.” Dan said with conviction “It's just that-” He looked into Phil's eyes “This is new for me,” He closed his eyes and with his voice barely above a whisper he said “I have wanted this for a long time, but, Phil, I haven't ever, you know, with a, g-guy I mean,” Dan trailed off.  
This time Phil moaned, slowly slipping his hand into Dan's Pj bottoms, palming him through his pants. Dan's breathing was speeding up again and he was trying not to rut into Phil's hand. Suddenly there was a hand slipped into his pants only slightly touching flesh. Dan moaned “Phil-” and his eyes shot opened meeting Phil's  
“Do you like that, Dan?” Phil whispered, huskily. Dan moaned again, thrusting his hips. “I guess so.” Phil sped up his pace, focusing only on the feel of Dan's skin against his hand suddenly he felt Dan's hand slip under his clothes and then onto him. The sensation that shot through his body was unlike anything he had ever felt. “Oh my God.” He choked. Dan's eyes were now closed, his mouth hanging slightly open. Phil would have had his eyes closed too, but he couldn't stop looking at Dan, he was watching him come undone underneath him. Phil moaned.  
“Oh my god Phil. I-it's never felt like-” a strangled moan escaped his lips. “Close.” Dan whimpered. Phil sped up and clutched tighter at Dan. Phil himself was not going to last much longer, either. Dan's hand felt good, but it was Dan's expression that was really getting Phil off. Urgency, neediness and blissed-out pleasure was spread over Dan's face.  
Phil moaned. “Mm, You feel amazing in my hand, Dan.” Phil's voice was very deep and laced with sleep. Dan whimpered. “You are so hard.” Dan's face contorted and suddenly changed. Phil knew he had cum, even before the warmth hit is hand. As he watched it on Dan's face his own orgasm hit him hard. “Dan!” Phil moaned as he thrust into Dan's hand, the image of Dan's release pushing him over the edge. Phil reached up with his free hand, cradling Dan's face and kissed him, soft and sweetly. He had almost said that he loved Dan, but the kiss to block the words from coming out. It was probably too soon. As the both slowly withdrew hands from each other, Phil rolled on his back, panting.  
His mind spun, only moments ago they were both asleep and now they had gotten each other off. Was it too soon for that too? Was this going to mess up their lives? Phil only would regret this if it had hurt Dan, who had not spoken or looked at Phil as of yet. Phil nervously shifted.  
As if Dan could read Phil's mind, he murmured “I'm okay, Phil.” His voice was soft and contented but something was off.  
“Are you sure?”  
Dan turned his head and smiled at him. “I am sure.”  
Satisfied with the answer Phil let it go. “You can have the shower first if you want.”  
“Oh, what a true gentleman!” Dan said smirking as he got up.  
“Hey, shut up.” Phil countered but also smiling. 

After showering and eating, both Dan and Phil were back to editing videos. They both were acting shy around each other after the encounter earlier. The awkward tension of this was something they hadn't felt in years. Shy glances when they met each other in the hallway, red-tinged cheeks when they made eye contact, it was as if were 7 to 8 years ago. It was nearing 7 when Phil noticed he was starting to get hungry. He saved his progress, stretched and looked at Dan's door, it was shut. Phil knocked, but there was no response. He slowly turned the knob and peeked in as he had done many times before. Dan was slouched over, leaning on his desk, fast asleep. Phil smiled as he walked up to Dan and slowly started to rub his back. Dan shifted  
“Yeah.” He mumbled.  
“You fell asleep,” Phil said.  
“Shit.” Dan moaned sitting up, rotating his neck.  
“Are you okay If I order Pizza? I am starving.”  
“Yeah, Pizza.” Dan yawned “I am going to finish this and hopefully not fall asleep again.” He smiled bashfully and Phil couldn't help but smile in return.  
“I'll come get you when Pizza is here.”  
“Thanks, Phil,” Dan said, softly grasping his hand. Phil blushed and exited the room.

They both ate in silence, things again were tense. Dan wanted nothing more to tell Phil how amazing the morning was, how it was one of his literal dreams come true, but didn't have the courage.  
Phil hadn't said anything either, so Dan figured that's the way he wanted it. Maybe it wasn't good for Phil and he just wanted to pretend it didn't happen. Suddenly, Dan felt like he had pushed Phil into what happened, which was causing him guilt. Phil would never say something if he thought it would embarrass Dan, even if he himself was not okay with it. Dan sighed softly and sadly, he never wanted to force Phil into anything.  
Phil, on the other hand, was obsessing. Was Dan having second thoughts? Did he push him too far? Was he lying when he said he was okay? Was Dan completely uncomfortable with him now? Phil sighed louder than he intended.  
“What, Phil?” He asked, his voice hesitant.  
“Nothing. Sorry.”  
“No, something is wrong.” Dan set his Pizza down and looked right at him. “Please be honest with me, it's okay.”  
Phil sighed. “It's really just me.” He replied not making eye contact.  
“Phil,” Dan said softly. “Look, I'm sorry I forced you into, well, this morning. I didn't mean for-”  
“What?” Phil's eyes widened as he cut Dan off. “You think you forced me?”  
Dan blushed, “Well I did move your hand...”  
Phil chuckled shaking his head. “oh Dan.”  
“This isn't funny, Phil,” Dan said dryly.  
“Yes, it is.” Phil shifted “I thought I had forced you. That's what I have been worrying about.” He shook his head.  
“So you are okay with...”  
“Of course,” Phil responded.  
Dan smirked. “We are ridiculous, you know that?”  
“Yeah, we are.” He shook his head again smirking. “Dan, I am perfectly fine with what happened this morning.”  
“Oh thank Christ.” Dan breathed.  
Phil moved closer to Dan, placing a rough kiss on his mouth and then whispered: “This morning was one of most sexually arousing things I have even been a part of, Daniel Howell.” He stood up and went to the kitchen, a smirk on his lips, leaving Dan in shock with his mouth hanging open. 

They both went to their own bedrooms to sleep that night. Things had progressed, but neither one of them wanted to rush things. Phil was sleeping peacefully until something woke him up. He wasn't sure what it was, but soon he could hear Dan pacing in his room. Phil sighed. Poor Dan, had the last few days been too much for him? Was he worrying about it? Was he in an existential crisis? Phil could hear Dan muttering to himself, though he could not understand the words. He debated with himself if he should get up and knock on Dan's door. He didn't want to embarrass Dan, nor did he want to insert himself somewhere he wasn't wanted. When he heard what sounded like a sob, Phil got up quickly and listened at Dan's door. There was sniffling, so he knocked.  
“Dan?”  
“I'm fine Phil, sorry I woke you.”  
“I don't care about that. May I come in.”  
“Just go back to bed, Phil. I'll shut up.”  
“Dan, something is wrong, clearly. What can I do?”  
There was silence for a few moments, then Phil heard Dan walk to the door and he opened it. Dan's face was puffy. He looked down at his feet and sighed.  
“I am a mess, Philly.” He said sadly. “Always have been.”  
“No, you're not,” Phil said softly, taking a step closer to Dan.  
“You always say that always are defending me.”  
“Well, it's true.”  
“We are not going to work, Phil.” He said, emotion draining out of his voice. Phil knew this Dan well. He was overthinking things and of course, came to the worst conclusion.  
“What are you talking about?” Phil said, trying to keep the panic out of his voice.  
“Like, this morning. Or yesterday morning and then earlier-”  
Phil sighed “You weren't ready, were you?”  
“No.” He said, and Phil eye filled with shame. Dan's expression softened. “Hey, Wait, No. I mean No, you're wrong, I was ready. I wanted it. You did nothing wrong. I consented and I thoroughly enjoyed it.” Dan blushed and looked at his feet. He looked so young, so frail right now.  
Phil was still confused. “Dan, I don't understand, then.”  
“Phil, do you even think about destiny, fate or the universe?”  
“Sometimes, yeah. Of course.”  
“I think that our destiny was decided when we started to talk.”  
“Okay...”  
“But I am not sure it is the same destiny.”  
“Dan, it is too late for this, my brain cannot keep up.”  
Dan smirked. “I'm sorry. Mine only keeps spinning with these damned questions.”  
Phil reached out and took Dan's hand as they still stood awkwardly in the doorway. “What is the most prominent one?”  
Dan sighed and scowled “Are we making a mistake.”  
“Oh.” Phil dropped Dan's hand. “Um..”  
“I don't want to hurt you, Phil. That's why I didn't want to talk about this.”  
“We have years of not talking Dan, look where it has gotten us.”  
“That's true.” Dan walked over to his bed and sat down, Phil followed.  
“Why would it be a mistake?”  
“You are so much more put together than I am, Phil. I am a mess.”  
“No, Dan. I am not put together, I am just good at hiding it.”  
Dan shook his head. “I am sure you thought I would grow out of this, my existentialism. The crisis, the days of laying face down, the nights of endless pacing. It is a part of who I am.”  
“Do you think I don't know that, Dan? We have lived together for years. I have accepted it.”  
“But you shouldn't have to Phil!” Dan shouted, “You are too good for my bullshit.”  
“Dan,”  
“No Phil, it's not fine, you are not fine.” more quietly he added, “I am sucking the life out of you.”  
“Please, don't,”  
“NO. Phil. I am not good for you. We can be friends, but it isn't right for me to keep forcing you to go through this with me. So I think we should just go back to before we kissed, before we,” He trailed off as he started to silently cry.  
“Clearly that isn't what you want.” Phil's voice was strained with sadness.  
“But it's what you need Phil. I care about you too much to let you throw away your happiness for my constant pit of dread.”  
“So, suddenly you know what's best for me, do you?” Phil shook his head. “Dan, you don't get to decide how I feel, okay? I do. I could have left years ago if it bothered me. But I am still here. I want this, us. And I have wanted it for so long.”  
“Doesn't mean I am good for you.”  
Phil let out an exaggerated breath. “Why do you always do this when you are happy?”  
“Do what?”  
“Sabotage it so you look like an asshole. Like you are bad for everyone around you. That's bull shit. I won't let you do it this time, Dan. So just stop.”  
“No, Phil. You should see if Cindy wants to go out again. She seems put together.” Dan didn't want or mean any or this. Not really anyway.  
“Dan, do you want to know why after I was with Cindy I was such a fricking mess?” Dan's expression grew to anger at the mention of her name contradicting everything he just had said. “Stop, just listen. I had gone out to have a drink on a friendly basis. Then she started to ask about you, what you were into, what you liked and things like that. She wanted to grill me about you. Of course, she was interested in you.” Phil's sadness could be heard in his words.  
“Phil,” Dan's tone softened.  
Phil ignored him. “I told her what she wanted to know. I kept talking about you. I love talking about you to anyone who will listen because you are just so amazing, and brave and strong.” Phil exhaled. “She then smiled at me strangely and when I asked her why she said she had been barking up the wrong tree.”  
“What does that even mean, Phil?”  
“She wanted to ask you out, Dan. But after I had spent a lot of time talking about you, she said she could see you were already taken.” Phil looked up at Dan. “That was before the kiss, before the other morning.”  
“Oh.”  
“Can't you see? Are you really that much of an idiot?”  
“It still doesn't mean I am good for you. Fuck sake Phil. We need to stop before-”  
“Before what, Dan? Before I love you?”  
Dan sighed and slightly nodded. “Yeah.”  
“It's waaay too late Dan.”  
“What?”  
“It's way too late. You have to know that. “Love eyes, Lester?” All true. I already am in love with you. I have been in love with you for a long time.”  
Dan covered his face with his hands. “Oh.” He muttered.  
“Oh yes. I have loved you for so long, even when you were face down on the carpet. I loved 2012 Dan when he broke my heart. I love this Dan, right now, even though he is being really thick headed and trying to take away what I want most.”  
“Phil, don't you see? We are screwed.”  
“Why's that?”  
“Fools fall in love, you know that right? It's cliche, but true. I love you too. I loved you at the Manchester station, I loved you in 2012, I love you now. I love you so much, Phil. And it is fucking terrifying, okay?”  
Phil turned and pulled Dan closer and kissed him, hard. When he broke away he said.  
“Terrifying and wonderful and right. Dan, doesn't this feel like it's the way it's supposed to be?”  
He nodded slightly. “But still I am falling into the pit, Phil. One day, you-you are going to be de-”  
Phil cut him off with another kiss. “Stop. Not for a long time, yeah?” Holding Dan close he started to rock him slightly.  
“I am like a fucking child.” Dan huffed, disgusted with himself.  
“That's not true Dan. You have come so far. We have come so far. BBC, the books, the tour. Without you, none of that would have happened for me.”  
Dan smiled “I wouldn't even be anywhere without you.”  
“Now it's time for some sleep, Yeah?” Phil guided Dan to his bed.  
“Phil?”  
Phil hummed in response  
“Can you stay?”  
He nodded as they both got into bed. “Sleep now, Dan. You will feel better in the morning.”

Dan woke up alone. As he glanced at his phone he noticed it was well after 2:00 PM. “Fuck,” he said to the room. Getting up that late meant nothing would be accomplished, but if Dan were honest, he was okay with that. Time didn't matter anyway. Yawning and stretching we walked out of his room he glanced into Phil's. He wasn't there.  
“Phil?” He called, but he never got a response. When he found Phil, he was in the Kitchen, sitting on the floor with his back pressed against the cabinets.  
Dan smirked. “What the hell are you doing?” Dan asked, startling Phil.  
“Oh, hey.” Phil's voice sounded off.  
“Are you okay?” Dan sank down next to him on the floor.  
“Yeah, I'm fine.”  
“Why are you sitting on the Kitchen floor?”  
“Um,” Phil cocked his head at Dan “Just thinking.”  
“Oh, been down here long? Are YOU having a crisis, Phil?”  
“Awhile and I'm not sure. I am fine, Just, you know, thinking about Lions.” Phil's face was paler than usual.  
“ Lions? Now? While sitting on the Kitchen on the floor?” Dan chuckled. “Did you get into the wine again?”  
“It's my Kitchen too. I'll sit where I please.” Phil snapped.  
Dan raised his eye brown. “Okay?” Dan gave him a questioning look. H smirked. “Phil? Did you hurt yourself?”  
“What? No.” Phil blushed as Dan gave him a look. “Well maybe.”  
Dan shook his head “How bad?”  
“I can't stand on my leg. Or maybe it's my ankle...”  
“What the hell happened?”  
“I fell. Shocking I know, but I can't put weight on it.”  
“How did you manage that? Is it broken?”  
“I'm sure it's not broken,” Phil said, unconvincingly and blushed. “I may or may not have been dancing.”  
Dan tried not to laugh “Oh Phil, you are adorable.” He stood up, bent down and lifted Phil underneath his arms, helping him up. “Okay, lean on me until we get the chairs.” They slowly crossed the room and Dan helped Phil sit down. “Put it up, yeah?”  
Phil tried and groaned in pain “I don't know if I can by myself.”  
Dan was pretty sure it was broken. “Okay, I am going to try to lift it, if it hurts too bad, stop me, okay?”  
Phil nodded. As Dan reached down to attempt to lift his leg, he felt a large bump on his ankle. When Dan had barely brushed it, Phil cried out.  
“Phil?”  
“I'm such a baby. I'm okay. Try again.” Phil was starting to panic  
“Phil...” Dan said gently.  
“I'm sorry, it's fine. Maybe some ice?” Phil rambled on.  
“Phil, come on.”  
“I just need some ice and tablets,“ Phil said sternly, tears filling his eyes.  
“For fuck sake, Phil. Your ankle is broken.”  
“No, it's not.” Dan could tell Phil was embarrassed, but he was also slightly scared. He thought back to when Phil had to rush him to A & E all those years ago back when he was at Uni. Dan smiled fondly, knowing the panic. Phil usually wasn't like this.  
“It's going to be okay Phil. We have to go to A &E.”  
“I am such an idiot.” He muttered.  
“Let me go put some actual clothes on. We are going.”  
“Yeah, okay. I think it's broken.”  
“Obviously,” Dan said, walking back to his room to change. 

They had been in the waiting room for about an hour when it was their turn. “Phil Lester?”  
“That's us,” Dan said as the nurse brought a wheelchair to him. Dan got up to follow  
“You need to stay here.” She said. Dan didn't like her tone.  
“Why?”  
“No friends, We will let you know-”  
Dan cut her off “I am his boyfriend and I am going with him.” The nurse rolled her eyes, scoffed. “Fine.”  
Phil was in pain, so much pain. He couldn't even remember a time when he had hurt his much, even when he had broken other bones. He heard Dan call him his boyfriend but it was like it was a dream. They got in the room and the nurse roughly lifted him out of the chair and got him onto the bed. Phil whined in pain.  
“Hey. Be careful! Dan snapped.  
“He's fine.” She said leaving the room.  
“What a fuckin-”  
“Dan, please.” Phil shook his head, he was tired. Dan's face was red and Phil could tell he was seething. “I just want to get this over with and go home.” He said, weakly  
Dan helped him get into a more comfortable position as they waited.  
“Breathe, close your eyes, Phil. Just rest.” Phil nodded and the next thing he knew a voice was waking him up.  
“Phil is it?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I'm Doctor Dickson,” He turned to Dan “And you're?”  
“Dan.”  
The doctor nodded, smiled and sat down in a chair and wheeled himself closer to the bed. “So what happened Phil?”  
“I, ah, slipped in the Kitchen.”  
The doctor nodded and carefully pulled up Phil's pant leg and removed his sock. Phil hissed in pain. Dr. Dickson winced. “I'm sorry. I don't need an X-ray to tell me that is broken, but I do need it to figure out how badly.” He wheeled back to his clipboard and scribbled a few notes.  
“X-ray is pretty busy today, so it may be a while, I'm sorry. How bad is the pain?”  
Phil blinked and sighed “It hurts.”  
“1 being the least pain you've been in, 10 is the worst you have ever felt. Where are you at?”  
“10, then. Defiantly 10.”  
“Okay. I will have the nurse get an IV hooked up to see if we can't get that knocked down at least a few numbers okay?”  
“Yeah.” At this point, Phil just wanted to sleep.  
“Dr. Dickson?” Dan asked  
“Yes?”  
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” He nodded towards the hall.  
“I'll have the nurse come in right away, Phil.” Phil nodded and closed his eyes.  
Once in the hall, Dan said. “I would like a different nurse.”  
“Okay? Was there a problem?”  
“She was rude. She was not gentle.”  
“That's unlike her.” the doctor said, confused.  
“Do you think I'm lying? I don't think she likes the fact that Phil is my boyfriend, Doctor Dickson.” Dan was starting to get frustrated. “Listen, we are not good in public as it is. Phil is scared and my nerves are fried. I am not trying to be an asshole, maybe she's just having a bad day or I am being too sensitive. I just want someone who is a bit better with the bedside manner, yeah?”  
“Understood.”  
“Thank you.”  
Dan went back to Phil who seemed even paler yet. Dan hated feeling so helpless. He pulled the chair next to the bed and softly stroked Phil's hand.  
“What was that all about?” Phil asked, not opening his eyes.  
“Nothing.”  
Phil smirked and said. “You asked for a different nurse, didn't you?”  
“Maybe.” With that, another man came into the room  
“Hello, Phil, Dan. He said, “I'm Jake.” Jake was clearly American and probably in his late thirties. “You guys used to be on the BBC, right?” He asked as he started to prepare the IV.  
“Yes, we were,” Dan said smiling slightly.  
“Well, I am sorry to see you in here,” He winked. Dan liked him, he was nice.  
“So Phil, I am going to give you some pretty intense pain meds. They may make you vomit. You will probably feel sleepy, that's okay. You will be loopy. Not as if you could anyway, but I am required to tell you not to drive.”  
Dan laughed a little. “He won't be driving.”  
Jake smiled. “Good. So I am going to start the drip low. I will hang around a few minutes to see if I need to increase it.”  
Phil didn't even care at this point he just slightly nodded.  
“Okay, I have to start the Iv first, right handed?”  
“Yeah.” Phil glanced nervously at Dan.  
“Needle shy huh?”  
Phil nodded at again, still looking at Dan.  
“So we are almost there, Phil. I am going to count to 5, okay?”  
“O-okay.”  
“You just keep looking at Dan, imagine there is a spot on his forehead, look at that.”  
“I can't believe you are this scared of a needle, your fucking ankle is broken,” Dan said to Phil.  
“Okay, Phil, You looking at that spot?”  
“Y-yeah.”  
Jake started to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5”  
“It's in?” Phil asked confused as Dan laughed.  
“Phil, it was in at three.” He said looking up at Jake, “you're good.”  
“Well, they do call me the Iv whisperer.” He hung the bag of fluids. “Okay Phil, Medicine is starting to go in. You should start to feel warm after a bit.”  
Dan looked at Phil, he could tell when Phil could start to feel it, his face relaxed.  
“How you doing Phil?” Jake asked.  
“I-I don't know..” Phil was still anxious.  
“Then you need a little more.”  
Dan looked at Jake again and they both exchanged knowing looks. If Phil was anxious, he needed more.  
“Phil, don't you dare puke on me, you little shit,” Dan said  
“Dan, please.” Phil chastised. A few minutes had passed quietly. Phil still was looking towards Dan.  
“Okay, Phil, how you doing now?” Jake asked.  
“Dan your eyes are like, are like chocolate lab puppies.” Dan burst out laughing and Jake chuckled a little bit.  
“I think you're good my friend.” Jake gently patted his shoulder. “Here's a sick bag, just in case. Dan, the call button is on the left wrapped around the bed. I'll be back in a little bit.”  
Jake smiled as he walked out.  
“Dan?” Dan could tell that Phil was, well Phil was very high on the painkillers.  
“What's up, Phil?”  
“Do you remember Manchester flat?”  
“Of Course Phil,” Dan said, smiling. Phil was nostalgic.  
“Shhh, Shhh. I have to tell you a secret Danny Boy.”  
Dan bit his lip so he didn't laugh “What up, Philly?” Phil pulled Dan closer to the bed and whispered.  
“I watched, sometimes, you know.”  
“Watched what?” Dan whispered back  
“The windows,” Phil said  
“The window?” Dan looked at him confused as Phil wiggled his eyebrows. “Oh My God Phil!”  
Phil winked and smiled, his tongue sticking out in between his teeth to the side.  
“What? Tbh.” Phil said.  
“Phil, you are lucky you are hooked up to whatever that is. Don't. Just don't use tbh like that. Ever again.”  
Dan shook his head in mock disgust  
“Dan, am I dying?”  
“What? No.” Phil tried to move and then cried out in pain. “Phil, you spork, you've broken your ankle. Stop moving.”  
Phil had closed his eyes for about 20 minutes. Suddenly he woke up. “Oh. Oh yeah.” Phil raised his eyes brows “What? I was dancing, thinking about dancing with you. I slipped.”  
Dan jumped, startled. “Dancing? With me?”  
“Yeah, I've always wanted to hold you to my chest and dance with you.” Dan blushed and looked at his feet. “Oh, did I make you blush, Danny?”  
“Shut up, okay?” Dan said, laughing.  
“Wait, where's my phone?”  
“In my pocket, why?”  
“Let's take a hospital selfie for Twitter.”  
“Um, Phil. I don't think that's a good idea.”  
“It is the best idea.”  
Dan shook his head. “Okay dingus, let me take it, you have a needle in your hand.”  
“Right.” Dan leaned in, making his iconic “This guy.” face. Phil was wearing his classic “Sad pout” so Dan took the picture. Phil's eye drooped, but it was okay. The pout fit with it.  
“Tweet it,” Phil said, voice shaking.  
“Are you okay?”  
“Y-yeah. Just cold. And in pain.”  
Dan got up and pushed the call button and Jake appeared pretty quickly.  
“What's up guys?” He asked  
“Phil said he is cold and in Pain again.”  
“Okay, I'll go get more blankets and give you another dose.”  
“Dan?” Phil asked.  
“Yeah?”  
“I love you. Thank you.”  
Dan blushed, leaned in and kissed his forehead. “You're welcome, Phillip”  
Jack was back shortly with the blankets and give Phil a stronger dose which made Phil close his eyes almost immediately.  
“If you want to walk around or go get some coffee or something, he probably is going to sleep for awhile. It's going to be at least two hours until X-ray is free.  
Dan sighed. “Yeah okay.” He scribbled down his number. “Call me if he wakes up and I am not here, okay?”  
“You got it,” Jake said covering Phil up.

Dan posted the selfie and explained what had happened and then went to the cafeteria.  
He kicked himself for not saying he loved Phil back. As much as Dan wanted the “thing” he and Phil had, he was still unsure of the love. He has fought it so long and now it was just out there, in the open, ready to be destroyed. Dan hoped Phil wasn't hurt. As he ate his sandwich and drank a coffee he checked Twitter. Their fans were doing what Dan had expected and were freaking out. Dan replied to a few Tweets, finished his food and made his way back to Phil.  
As he entered the room Phil's eyes started to flutter open.  
“Hey.” Dan said, “How are you feeling?”  
“Strange.”  
“It's okay, Philly. They have you on the good stuff.”  
Phil didn't even smile, Dan could tell he was done. “Go home, Dan,” Phil said  
Dan frowned. “What?”  
“You are clearly tired and I am sure you are bored. I can call you when I need help getting home.”  
“No.” Dan sat down  
“It's fine, Dan.”  
“Well, it's not fucking fine with me, Okay?”  
“Dan,”  
“No Phil. Drop it. I am not leaving unless you are with me.”  
Phil was quiet for awhile then said. “Thank you.”  
Dan's dimple popped out as he smiles. “You're welcome.” He took Phil's IV free hand and held it. “You know, the universe would rip in half if we did go further apart.” Dan winked and Phil finally smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this.


End file.
